Modul în care am relaționat cu părinții mei devine modul în care voi relaționa cu restul oamenilor, cu lumea însăși…

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I
Cum îmi atrag partenerul … o relație inconștientă.

Copilul se naște și interacționează cu femininul din viața lui, cu calitățile și defectele mamei. Le ia ca atare, încă nu știe să le numească în vreun fel. Are momente în care se simte bine și altele în care se simte rănit, diminuat, desconsiderat, devalorizat, respins sau sufocat, neacceptat, abandonat, uneori neglijat sau abuzat…înca nu știe să numească nici asta. Același tipar și în relația cu masculinul din peisaj. Cei doi părinți la rândul lor, predau copilului, despre modelul relației dintre feminin și masculin și devine reper. Asimilează ce e bun și mai puțin bun de la mama și tata, cum e relația lor dar și cum s-a simțit în raport cu ei și tot acest conținut e integrat într-o amprentă unică, familiară- IMAGO. Astfel, Imago implică aspecte atât pozitive, cât și negative ale dragostei. Pentru acest adult, dragostea va avea definiția a ceea ce s-a întamplat în copilărie: disponibilitate emoțională, interes și încurajări primite sau, dimpotrivă, de care a fost privat, atenția oferită, stresul resimțit, compromisurile făcute pentru a-i fi împlinite nevoile, nivelul de sacrificare a autenticității în favoarea păstrării atașamentului…etc.

Defilează restul vieții cu aceste date despre dinamica relațională și fiind familiară, apare necesitatea replicării și întăririi acestui scenariu. Majoritatea oamenilor se simt atrași de parteneri care au aceleași trăsături, atât pozitive cât și negative ale persoanelor de atașament. La începutul relației suntem seduși de partea bună a Imago, care ne face să ne simțim bine….ulterior când începe să se contureze atașamentul, se developează treptat  și părțile negative, în consecință ajungem să nu ne mai simțim bine…cumva nu am o relație cu celălalt ci între mine și el e un filtru timpuriu construit: proiectez în partener pe mama, tata…anticipez des despre celălalt pe baza percepțiilor din trecut, care devin certitudini, antrenez din el părți latente care îmi pot valida scenariul. Ființa umană se repliază pe situații care, deși generatoare de suferință, pot fi confortabile pentru că sunt într-o legătură inconștientă cu ceva cunoscut sau dorit din trecut.

Freud o numește compulsie la repetiție: subiectul se plasează activ în situații neplăcute, repetând astfel experiențe vechi, fără a-și mai aminti de prototipul lor.

Biologia o numește replicare a programului de pornire , e o certitudine pentru creierul biologic că acest individ există pentru tot ceea ce s-a întâmplat în cele 30 luni (9 luni înainte de concepție, 9 luni perioada sarcinii, și 12 luni până la împlinirea primului an de viață).

Imago este termenul în latină pentru “imagine”, ne putem duce cu gândul la imaginea unică a iubirii familiare, imagine construită de fiecare dintre noi, de la venirea pe această lume, în cadrul relației cu părinții.

Imago e un concept idealizat al unei
persoane iubite, format în copilărie și pe care îl păstrăm nealterat în viața
adultă.

„Imago Dei” provine din versiunea latină a Bibliei, tradusă în engleză ca „imagine a lui Dumnezeu”. „Imaginea lui Dumnezeu” este definită ca expresia metafizică, asociată în mod unic oamenilor, ceea ce semnifică legătura simbolică dintre Dumnezeu (părintele) și umanitate (copilul).

Sunt destui cei care au o listă generoasă, conștientă, cu trăsaturi pe care le caută la celălalt: înalt, ambițios, frumos, blond, cu simțul umorului…etc. Toți însă, au o listă subconștientă care produce efecte dintr-un nivel subtil. Căsnicia sau o relație de cuplu are puterea de a vindeca ambii parteneri de rănile și traumele copilăriei, dacă înțelegem cum funcționăm sau poate să rămână o replică fidelă a filmului din copilărie, care să inflameze rănile arhaice.

Care ar fi motivul pentru care atragem alături de noi o persoană care să întruchipeze o combinație a aspectelor pozitive și negative ale adulților care ne-au marcat copilaria? Senzația de familiaritate  care securizează individul, îî asigură confort la nivel subconștient și un alt motiv foarte important: dezvoltarea ca individ, ca specie, după vindecarea rănilor. Cei doi pot parcurge acest proces de dezvoltare și se pot ajuta reciproc din momentul în care înteleg cum funcționează…pâna atunci, celuilalt îi e greu să îți ofere ceea ce îți dorești cel mai mult, ceea ce nu ai primit în copilărie.. pentru că este o copie destul de fidelă a iubirii familiare care a contribuit la constituirea acelor goluri. Disconfortul din relație îți semnalează despre acele aspecte din tine pe care ar ajuta să le vindeci…chiar dacă schimbi partenerul, vine un moment când și cu  următorul te vei lovi de aceleași răni nevindecate și vei avea senzația unui tipar.

Un prim pas, întreabă-te: “Ce din mine generează această realitate?”



Rosana Moraru
Psiholog clinician

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